My Dear Timothy

For some reason, ever since i first began reading the New Testament, i related myself to Timothy more than any other biblical character. Was it because he was young? Was it because he was loved by Paul? He certainly isn't one of the most influential or charismatic of the New Testament characters and he wasn't even considered an apostle! Whatever the reason may or may not be, dear Timothy always stuck out to me whenever he was mentioned in a letter.

A few days ago i was finishing up my daily Quiet Times for the book of Ezekiel. Ezekiel had been a bit of a finicky nighttime companion (i usually did my QTs before i went to bed). Twice i took a break from him to find comfort in other books. Not only is Ezekiel long but a tad bit repetitive and the last few chapters of the measurements of the new temple didn't move me as much as i would have liked it to.

So before the last chapter, i began to wonder where i would go from here. would i continue to trudge through the rich but rather difficult Old Testament? Or was it time to take a break from symbolic prophesies and go to something more direct and comprehensible? It was then as I was sitting crossed legged on my bed with the bible on my lap when a single name made itself heard in my head.

Timothy

I admit, my first thought afterwards was "Is there even a book called Timothy?". It had been awhile since I've came across Timothy in both sermon and QT. It might have been months to years since I've flipped over the thin pages of my enormous bible to read Paul's letter to his "true son in faith" (1Timothy 1:2).

It's very easy to go from 1/2Thessalonians to Hebrews and skip those shorter letters to Timothy, Titus, and Philemon (which i always thought was a pokemon). Sadly, those letter probably don't get as much recognition as they deserve. If you were to recite all the books of the bible I'm sure those would be missed (more so than Matt, Mark, Luke, and John).

But i did check to see that there was not one but two letters to Timothy and made the conscious decision to read those two letters as soon as i said farewell to Ezekiel.

So in the midst of dead week and finals, i began my nighttime reflections with dear Timothy.

It wasn't easy at first. The first few chapters i found little to be inspired by. Mind you, my heart condition wasn't at its best so i would be foolish to blame my lack of inspiration on just Timothy. There had just been one too many distractions the past week and even i knew down inside that i was letting a very dear person to my heart down.

But today, after playing four consecutive games of Ultrablock i gave into the nagging tug in my heart and decided to do my QTs now, instead of at night. my roommate was gone and the beautiful day was streaming sunlight into my room and blowing a breeze through the window. without much expectations i sat down on my bed like i always do at night, prayed for to be spoken to, and open the book to 1Timothy chapter 4.

Several verses spoke to me and with every verse that i eagerly wrote down in my notebook i began to get more encouraged and more excited. it had been awhile since i felt so intimately connected to God through His words and i had a rather silly grin on my face the whole time. it was completely unexpected but i was extremely grateful that i (though i procrastinated and hesitated) was able to feel His presence in the middle of a wonderful day. i secretly became glad that my roommate wasn't there to see me get so excited all by myself on my bed.

but what triggered the euphoric connection was verse 12

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in live, in love, in faith, and in purity"

i somehow knew that this verse wasn't for me but i felt my heart surge with joy. i knew i needed to share this verse with the youth group that i would see for the last time this Sunday. i wanted to encourage and lift them up with this verse that God gave me. i wanted to get up in front of them that very moment and demand that they all open their barely used bibles and be uplifted by this verse.

i did think it was odd that i didn't personally feel connected with this verse. i had every reason to. i may not be in high school anymore but i still considered myself young. i followed but also supported older leaders and God gave me some responsibilities to work through me. but i just knew that this verse, though for me, was more for my kids.

i spent the next few moments enjoying God, thanking him for the moment. i giggled a bit, i admit. i laid back on my bed, let the breeze rustle my hair and the sunlight tickle my face. i would have laid there for some time, simply loving God, but i realized that i had not yet finished the chapter. so i stood up with the intent to finish the chapter, too happy and satisfied to expect much more.

but of course, God took me completely by surprise

v14 "Do not neglect your gift which was given you through a prophetic message when the elsders laid their hands on you"

Instantly i was rebuked and humbled. it hit me then that the past few weeks i had grown lazy and compromised my relationship with God with the excuse that school was almost over. i had promised God before that i would spend more time with Him and less time doing mindless worldly past times but i had neglected that promise. my prayers had become shorter and less sincere since i began to say up later, usually until i could keep my eyes open no longer, keeping myself from spending true time with God before i went to sleep. i had pushed down the feelings of guilt that reminded me of my promises and shut out the voice that called me back to where i belonged.

It wasn't the specific gift that was important, it was the fact that God was not able to use me through His gift because i did not maintain a condition that the gift could be used. how can God use someone that still spends more time with worldly activities than reading and growing from His word? What can he do with someone who prays more out of obligation every night (but prayed intensively when it came to a difficult paper)?

But it was then when i truly began to marvel at the wonders of God. To give someone like me, a sinner and a liar, such a beautiful gift was more of a miracle than any parting of a sea or food from heaven. it hit me, for the first time in years since i began to realize that i had a gift, that God is too big and too great for me to ever understand or predict. i fell back on my bed once more and i could do nothing but just laugh. How silly i had been! How prideful! i had sacrificed time with God for an internet game? It wasn't playing the game that was bad, it was how i used that game to distract me from His word that was shameful.

When i managed to calm down i knew i needed to share, at least to myself. i still don't really understand why i have this blog, especially since no one is reading this other than myself, but i do get that it doesn't matter who else is reading it. what matters is that im confessing out loud the revelations that God gave to me this simple Tuesday. if God wants people to hear me, they will hear me. but for right now i just have to write and save these precious moments that God graciously gives me.

So this is what dear Timothy did to me today. i'm looking forward to what else God wants to say through Paul and Timothy to me. And then i'm excited to see who else God will use to communicate with me. Perhaps a prophet from the Old Testament? Perhaps another letter? Either way i'm eagerly waiting and listening for His voice to speak once again.